What about Character?

When was the last time you thought about someone's character? What about your character?

Eliot Spitzer. Mark Sanford. John Edwards. Ted Haggard. Jimmy Swaggart. Bill Clinton.


These are just some of the names that come to mind when I think of men with no character. Have you ever said that? No Character. Is it possible for someone to have no character?

“I may not have been the greatest president, but I've had the most fun eight years.” - Bill Clinton

Let me tell you this. We all have character. Let me explain.

Let's pick a few character traits. Forgiving. Self-less. Humble. Patient. Respect. Who do you think of that exhibits these? Are they consistent with them? Does the person you are thinking about have a history of walking on water? Do you either have these or not? I would suggest we need to expand them. I like to call it range.

What is the opposite of Forgiving? Unforgiving.

Self-less - Self-ish
Humble - Arrogant
Patient - Impatient
Respect - Disrespect

I think we all live somewhere in between these boundaries. There are times when I would be characterized as a forgiving person. There would be other times when I may be characterized as being unforgiving. The goal over time would to be more to the left and less to the right.

Have you ever driven a car with a tire that's out of alignment? The front right tire is pulling WAY right. What happens when you let go of the steering wheel. Yep. Ditch. To keep that from happening. You struggle. You stay very aware of where that tire wants to go. You keep both hands on the steering wheel. On a long road trip, this can be aggravating. Fatigue comes on fast. Using this metaphor, why is it that our front tires in life always take us to the right? To the ditch. Have you even been patient on accident? You are just naturally humble and self-less? Not me. When I let go of the steering wheel in my life. I head straight to the ditch!

Think about each one of these? Where are you right now? How bad is your life pulling you to the ditch?

Remember. You have character. We all do. It's just a matter of which way you are pulling.

Feedback

I'm not talking about the kind you get from a microphone!

Remember what mom used to tell us. No news is good news! This statement has had more impact on me than I had thought. How many of us really believe this statement. If you don't hear ANYTHING from your spouse. From your boss. From your kids. From the lottery. That is good news. Maybe even great news. Thank goodness I didn't hear from them! Isn't that crazy. And why did mom tells us this? I think it's because she was covering for dad. Not just my dad, but all dads. Normally Dad's don't bring the positive feedback so our mom's came up with this phrase.

There are three types of feedback.
1. Positive
2. Negative
3. None

Feedback. Here is what I know about it. It needs to be sincere. It needs to be specific. It needs to be soon. Hundreds of studies have been conducted to see how we humans respond to positive feedback. By positive I mean you have done a really good job doing something. You got dirty. You persevered. You stuck with it. You wrestled with the situation and brought home victory. I think you get the picture. One study in particular stands out to me. They took a group of volunteers and placed electrodes to the heads to measure brain activity. They then took them to Vegas. When a participant would win a large amount of money, the brain meter, that is what I call it, went off the chart. Now the task of seeing what other activities would compare to this spike on the brain meter. Guess what. A well placed, sincere, timely piece of feedback! The brain meter goes wild.

We also know for feedback to feel balanced. Meaning getting the at-a-boy's, versus the butt chewing feels equal. There needs to be at least 4 positive, catching them doing something right, compared to 1 negative. That's 4:1 to feel equal. Now open the balance book in your mind and do some quick math. Think about your spouse. Kids. Employees. Friends. How close are you to this 4:1. Are you more like 1 positive and 19 negatives for your oldest son! How many times have you said NOTHING.

Positive feedback is just about seeing someone doing the right behaviors and letting them know you appreciate it. When you do it, you will see the brain meter clanging. Negative feedback is when someone is just a doing it, but not how you would like them to do it. Most people I've met will say, " If I'm not doing it right. Just tell me." I believe them. When you are really clear on your expectations, you set yourself up for giving better feedback. The worst place to be is having completed a project. Looking at those in authority. Waiting. Waiting. Did they see what I did? Did I do it right? Nothing. The brain meter is silent. Then I can hear a slight little beep on the brain meter. Someone just remembered mom saying, "No news is good news."

"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Ken Blanchard

Rock someone's brain meter today. Give them some much needed feedback. It will be like you just handed them a large sack of cash!

BBD (Bigger Better Deal)

The bigger better deal. Has this ever happened to you? It's happened to me. You tell a friend that you will help him move some firewood next weekend. The night before you should be going to fulfill your commitment, you get a phone call from someone you sort of know. They have invited you to join them on an all inclusive trip to Las Vegas. Absolutely free. What would you do? I can hear some of crying out that this is way to drastic! How about this scenario. You have made the same commitment as above. Friday night you get a phone call from someone that you would really like to hang out with. He has invited you to come over Saturday and watch some football. This could be your one and only chance to connect with this person.

This is what I mean by the bigger better deal.

“One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives” - Euripides (Greek playwright, c. 480-406 BC)

It comes down to the value of Loyalty. What are you loyal to? Sports team. Spouse. Employer. Brand of coffee. Coke or Pepsi. Employees. God. Family. Friends.

Brady Boyd, Senior Pastor at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, mentioned this topic in a recent gathering. When it comes to sports. When the Denver Broncos were 6-0, everyone one was a Bronco's fan. Then week 8 came. After the bye week, they couldn't win a game. The Colorado emergency rooms were full of broken ankles from people jumping off the band wagon. The Bronco's ended their season 8-8. What is it about those fans who will stay loyal thick or thin? But then there is the employee who changes jobs every year or two. The person who has been married 5 times.

Loyalty is proven in adversity.

Are you characterized by the BBD? Are you running a little low on loyalty? Don't be the bandwagon sports person. Don't be the one who will leave their spouse and kids. Don't jump jobs every year or two.

Be LOYAL!

"We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Be Steady

Imagine these pictures like a window. We are looking out at your circumstances. Take a long look. Imagine swinging back and forth with the sun warming the air around you, a cool breeze tickling the hair on your arms and falling asleep on a comfortable hammock. Incredible. It would be so easy to be the best you here wouldn't it? You would be so enjoyable to be around. Things just couldn't get any better!






What about the view from this window? The perfect storm. Everything is going wrong. Nobody likes you. You can't get wrong right. To get this point across, let me list a few country song titles. How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?, I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me, and my favorite, You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off. What is it like to be around you on this day? Pleasant? Full of possibility?




Far to often our circumstances determine what kind of day we are having. Things are going our way. We are having a good day. Things are not going our way. Our life is over.

Ready for some good news?

It IS possible to pull these apart. They are completely separate. Let the results be the results. Let self be self. How is this possible? Some of it is being able to answer these three big questions. What is my vision? What is my purpose? What is my mission? Inside each of these is knowing what your values are and honoring them at all times. Can you answer these right now? Do you have them written on paper? I bet you can't and I bet you don't. Will you do it after reading this? Statistics say most will not! If you are the one who hasn't taken the time to go deep and discover you, then you will live the rest of your life flipping back and forth from the top picture to the bottom picture. Good day. Bad day. Day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day...a life wasted.

Or.

This can be the start of finding the place of Steady. This I know to be true. You WILL experience the FULL range of the pictures. The pictures are your circumstances. Not you. Not your soul. Did you catch that? The picture is what we see looking OUT. What should we see looking IN? It's a window, not a mirror. When we look in, we should see Steady. Steadfast. Firm. Unfaltering. Resolute. Balanced.

Remember this. Are you looking out. Or are you looking in. Will you be your circumstances. Or will you be steady.

It's a window. Not a mirror.

Linger. Fun Word.

How quickly do you move on from a problem you just can't quite figure out? If you are like me you looked at the math problem and moved right on to the text. There is NO WAY I'm going to try and figure that out. If world power were determined by math skills alone, then we'd already be worshiping our new Asian imperial overlords. I read a recent study looking at how much time we Americans will spend with an obstacle versus others with similar situations. It's not even close. Another story looked at how confident we are versus the actual test score. Guess what. Students in the United States felt the most confident but scored the worst. Japan and Korea had the lowest confidence ranking but the highest math score.

I wonder how many people reading this blog didn't make it this far?

How often do you quit? You start strong. You rarely finish. You start reading the book. You start the diet. Cleaning out the garage. The gym membership. Reading the bible. No Coke. Date night. Journal. Take more pictures. Make the beds every day.

Then IT happens. We quit. We give up. We give in. We stop. We settle. We play small. We pass.

What is the "it". That voice that tells us to quit. You are doing push-ups. You get 8 in. The goal is 10. The arms are shaking. Your head is about to explode. And you stop. Who is in control of YOU. Could you have done 10 if your life depended on it? Why didn't we push through it? Where is the 'want to'?

“Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.” Jacob A. Riis, 1849-1914


I would like you to think about the GAP. That moment right between just a doing it, and squat.
I know I can feel the tension between the two. The moment of decision. We all have a natural cadence. We are strolling right along. Obstacle. [Insert your time spent here] Then we quit.

Here is my challenge to you. Linger. When you find yourself in the gap. Don't move on with business as usual. Decide to stay there. Be there. Fully present. Give it one more. Why you may be asking. Because that is where great lives. This is where growth happens. They say the biggest obstacle to great is good. Remain or stay in that place longer than usual. What happens next is breathtaking. It's refreshing. It's unexpected. It's the answer. The solution. When we linger and stay with something, we are honoring something deep within us. It feels good. It feels great!

That relationship. Linger. The workout. Linger. The book. Linger.

You being the absolute best you. Linger.



Linger – verb (used without object)

1.	to remain or stay on in a place longer than is usual or expected

Distracted

Doing ONE thing at a time. Are you kidding me?!? How ancient.

How are you doing with this? I am this guy on the left.

What I should be doing:
Completely, fully engaged with the client on the other end of my phone. Locking eyes with my kids when they need to talk with dad right NOW. Holding hands with my wife as she tells me about her day. Listening with all that is within me.

What I do:
Facebook. Foursqaure. Twitter. Blogspot. Tripit. Football. News. XM Radio. iPhone. Bills. Email. iTunes. Fantasy Football. Surfing Cable Channels. All at the same time!

Why don't we do one thing at a time?

"Multi-tasking - Screwing everything up simultaneously."

I think we all have ideas of what we gain by doing many things at once. So let's let them be. What is lost? How about your life. Literally. Figures released at the conference by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) showed more than 5,800 distracted driving deaths and 515,000 injuries last year. Do you tweet while driving? I have. Do you check the new email? I have. Foursquare. Yep. Will you stop doing it? Probably not. Sad isn't it. What is this feeding that we would ignore how haphazard this is?

Let's keep looking at what is lost.

When I watch Football games. I don't just watch the game. I'm watching multiple TV's. I'm also checking out facebook updates. Twitter updates. Watching my fantasy football match-ups. Chatting with other sports fans. Skyping with my friend in Manama, Bahrain. But what if I miss the big play. No problem. I'll just pause the live feed and rewind. So what it lost here. I guess nothing.

So let's get real. Real live human beings. I started off talking about clients. Kids. Spouse. Let's try the last paragraph again. When I talk with my clients. Kids. Spouse. Friends. I don't just talk with them. I'm also checking out facebook updates. Twitter updates. I think you see where I'm headed with this. But what if I miss the big moment. I'll just rewind....hmm...I'll.....it's gone. So what is lost here. EVERYTHING. It’s hard to resist the lure of sneaking a peek at Facebook and Twitter during a conversation or firing off text-messages.

Back to the unanswered question. Will you stop doing it? I hope so. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Just 'be with' the person right in front of you. Be curious about the 'updates' they are sharing with you. Setting boundaries helps — no Twittering during dinner; phones belong in bags, not on the table; etc.

Take the next moment and just do one thing.

Curiosity

How curious are you?

It has been said that the average 3 year old will ask on average 400 questions a day. A DAY! The average adult will ask around 12. What happened? Where did it go? We all started with it. When you meet someone for the first time, what are the questions we ask? How's it going? Where do you work? What do you do? Are you married? Do you have kids? Here was a favorite while in College, "What's your major?"

Then what. We have NO idea what else to say. Lull. And when we do ask, do we really even care what the answer is!

"I am neither especially clever nor especially gifted. I am only very, very curious." - Albert Einstein

I became aware of this phrase a few months ago. Fake Curiosity. I had a bad case of this. I had spent twelve years of my life perfecting it. It's called sales. I would ask a question with the sole purpose of setting myself up to tell you something. I didn't really care what you had to say. I would be waiting for you to shut-up. Sad isn't it?

So what is Real Curiosity? I can tell you this, it is without limitations! It is more than the circumstances. It can be about the person right in front of you. How are they standing? Arms crossed? Fingers locked very tightly? What about their breathing? Is it rapid, shallow? Are they breathing? What about their voice? Is it sad?, Joyful? Scarred? There is what they ARE saying, but what about what they are NOT saying. There is so much to be curious about!

During a recent visit to my grandparents house in Louisiana, I found myself fully immersed in Real Curiosity with my Grandfather. It was more than talking about the weather. It went further than talking about what medications he's taking and when the next doctor's visit was. We went on a curiosity vacation together, right there in his sun room. Here was the question: "Tell me about your grandfather?" That was it. Thankfully my bags were packed because we went off on a two hour excursion. The questions kept coming out of my mouth as I got more and more curious about his experience. It wasn't about me setting myself up so I could tell him a story, this was all about him. Question. Follow-up question. Followed with another question. So what was it like for my grandfather to have someone be insanely curious about him? You would have to ask him. But from what I saw, He came alive. He was telling me things he had never told anyone else. And why is that?

Because I asked.

The WAKE

What is it like for those who come in contact with YOU?

Really. Take a moment and ponder this. The interactions you had yesterday, the ones you will have today, and the ones you will have tomorrow. Are they better or worse for having YOU come through their life? Dr. Henry Cloud talks about this in his book, "Integrity". We all leave a wake. You can tell a lot about a ship from it's wake. The speed. The direction. The expertise of the captain. Is the course random and awkward or is it sure and steady. The same is true about your wake.

Did you take a moment to look behind you yet. Do it. Turn around and picture your wake. What's it like back there? Is it beautiful and steady like the picture on the left? Are co-workers, friends, and family back there having a blast skiing in your wake. Or is it massive destruction? People drowning? Friends and family unsure of your next turn? Random and awkward?

"After you go by, how's your wake? The wake is the results we leave behind. And the wake doesn't lie and it doesn't care about excuses!" - Dr. Henry Cloud

It's time to turn back around. Take one more look. Take a picture. Remember what it looks like. Turn back around.

Let me remind you who you are. YOU are the captain. You control the speed, direction, the course. Be on purpose with your decisions today. Think about those who are behind YOU.